Cleaning House

I found this script tucked away on my hard drive this morning. I’d forgotten it was even there. I doubt it will ever be used, so I’ll save it here.

With its deletion, my computer no longer contains anything LRR-related, except one of the few remaining copies of Graham and Paul singing “Still Alive” from last year’s charity gaming.

I think I feel good about that.

The following would make more sense if you were familiar with the “Evil Inc.” series of videos, but I think you’ll get the concept pretty quickly.

The head of Evil Inc. (Paul) sits at his desk, which bears a small sign reading ‘Evil Inc.’. The intercom buzzes.

[Assistant’s Voice (Graham)]: “Sir, someone to see you.”

[Paul]: “Is it the lunch delivery? Because I ordered that deviled ham on wheat an hour ago.”

[Graham’s Voice]: “No, it’s Agent R. He has the package.”

[Paul]: “Excellent. Bring him in at once!”

Graham enters, followed by James, who’s carrying what looks like a DVD case covered in a thin plastic film.

[Agent R (James)]: “We intercepted the target as he left the research station. He was carrying this.”

[He holds out the case to Paul, who accepts it.]

[Paul]: “Good work, R! With these schematics in our possession, nothing will stand in the way of our plan! I need merely remove this wrapper…”

Paul attempts to pull away a flap of the plastic in order to tear it off, but it won’t rip. His fingernails can’t pry away enough of the flap to get a hold on, and there isn’t enough give to the film to shred it. After fumbling with the case for a bit, he hands it to Graham.

[Paul]: “You open it.”

Graham attempts to rip the shrink-wrap apart with both hands, but fails.

[James]: “Maybe if we both try it…”

Graham and James each grab and side of the plastic and try to pull the film apart with all their strength, but the seal isn’t even stressed. Paul reaches into his desk and pulls out a pair of scissors.

[Paul]: “Here, if I can just get a corner started, we can start from there.”

The three attempt to puncture an edge with the scissors, but it just slides off. Their combined efforts are useless.

[Paul]: “I think it’s time to try more extreme measures.”

The camera cuts to a new shot of Graham and Paul standing over a table. The camera’s looking up into their faces, making it impossible to see what they’re working on. They put on safety goggles, and a montage begins.

Graham pounds with a hammer.
Graham stabs with an icepick.
Graham lowers a buzzsaw.
Graham lowers a chainsaw.
Graham pours out a beaker of steaming, fizzing liquid, resulting in sizzling sounds.
Graham and Paul put on welding masks, with Graham applying a welding torch.

We see the case, sitting on the table. It’s completely undamaged.

[Paul]: “This is unacceptable! We need to try something more destructive. Oh, Agent R?”

James enters the shot.

[James]: “Yes, sir?”

Paul picks up the case and the pair of scissors, handles down, and holds them out to James.

[Paul]: “Take the case and these scissors to the office down the hall. Hurry, there isn’t a moment to lose!”

[James]: “Sir!”

He runs out, holding both items. Paul smirks and looks at his watch, counting out loud.

[Paul]: “5…4…3…2…”

There’s a loud splortching sound, immediately followed by a scream.

*Scene Cut*

James is sitting in a chair, holding the case. A square of gauze has been fixed over his right eye with medical tape. He’s obviously in quite a bit of pain, but nobody cares. Paul grabs the case from him and examines it.

[Paul]: “It’s completely undamaged. Curse you, shrink-wrap! Curse you!”

The shot changes to another, almost identical office. The only differences: the sign reads ‘Malice Ltd.’ and the head of Malice Ltd. (Matt) sits behind the desk. Another assistant (Bill), dressed identically to the first, enters the room.

[Bill]: “They were unable to penetrate the monomolecular film, sir. The case is still unopened.”

[Matt]: “Good, good. Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.”

[Bill]: “Also, we intercepted the target as he entered the building. He was carrying this.”

He holds out a brown paper bag to Matt, who takes it from him and opens it, looking inside.

[Matt]: “Excellent, deviled ham on wheat!”

He begins to eat the sandwich.


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